The Office Assassin

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A Competitive Streak Run Amok

I recently learned that a good friend of mine has behaved very unprofessionally to a colleague, and she doesn’t seem to realize it. She shared a “professional victory”: Her work-nemesis decided to quit. However, my friend’s stories about this woman made me certain that it was actually my friend who caused the problems. My friend described staying late to complete tasks that had been assigned to the other woman and submitting them before the other woman had a chance; refusing to allow the other woman to contribute to shared assignments; scheduling important meetings at times the other woman was not available; setting timelines that she knew the other woman could not meet; and deliberately failing to correct mistakes made by the other woman, then pointing out these errors to their supervisor.

When I asked my friend why she had undermined this other woman, she replied that she wasn’t undermining her. She said “It’s not my fault that I’m competitive and she can’t keep up with me.” My friend stated that she just wanted to set herself apart, and made it clear that she intended to treat her nemesis’ future replacement with the same contempt.

My friend is a smart, competent and very competitive woman. I share these qualities with her, and when we were younger women, our competitiveness caused a number of conflicts between us. However, as I’ve gotten older, I’ve come to understand that competitiveness is a tool to be wielded very carefully in the professional setting — an advantage in a few contexts but a liability in many others. I find it concerning that my friend doesn’t see any problem with how she acted toward this other woman. Do you have any advice for how to approach this conversation?

— Anonymous

Wow. Your friend sounds like a real piece of work, by which I mean, she sounds pretty awful: manipulative, prone to gaslighting … even abusive. This isn’t about competitiveness. This is about profound toxicity, and, I suspect, insecurity, because someone who is truly confident about what they do professionally and how they do it, is not likely to engage in such destructive and pathological behavior.

But let’s put your friend’s insecurity aside for a second. Though I understand your question is about whether you should raise your concerns with her, some part of me wonders whether you even want to — or should — be friends with her in the first place. It’s not just what she did to the former employee, but what she claims she will do to the next person. It’s sick that she even thinks that way. And if she’s so smart and competent, it would probably follow that she is smart enough to know that she’s behaved in not just an “unprofessional,” but totally abhorrent way.

Another word that gives me pause: “contempt.” Whether your friend used that word herself or it’s a descriptor of your own, it’s a red flag of enormous proportions. As is the fact that your friend seems to train her sights on other women. Just listen to your own experiences: Though you don’t elaborate on previous conflicts with her, it doesn’t sound like you’ve been immune to your friend’s manipulations or machinations. In fact, quite the opposite.

I ask you this: What might you — and what might your friend — get out of having a discussion about her “competitiveness”? Do you really think that someone who spends so much time bullying another woman out of her job and calls it a “professional victory” is likely to actually listen to what you have to say in any serious or sustained way? “Unprofessional?” Yeah, you could call her that. Quite frankly, however, she sounds dangerous. You don’t need to agonize whether or not to confront her with the harms her behavior has wrought. You just need to run. Run far, far away.

Office Politics

I work in education for a mission-aligned charter network whose explicit mission is to close the opportunity gap for low-income students of color. In this environment, it would be strange for someone to support Trump, or not support Harris. Can I wear a Harris for President shirt to work? I’m also in a pretty senior leadership position.

— Anonymous

No, you can’t. I mean, you can, but I think you shouldn’t. Why? Because even though you are pretty confident that your colleagues, and probably the people that you serve, aren’t Trump voters, you are in a senior leadership position. As such you need to set an example and not over-politicize — or undermine — the work that you do. I can imagine a situation in which an ideological or political foe — and yes, there are people for whom closing the opportunity gap for low-income students of color is considered a provocation — might use an employee or administrator’s wearing of such political messaging to undermine the organization’s larger project.

Furthermore, why wear a shirt at work if it would be so strange for someone in your office to not support Vice President Harris? Presumably, with a Kamala Harris T-shirt you’d be preaching to the choir. Perhaps you could direct your efforts elsewhere, like targeted Get Out the Vote campaigns supporting Ms. Harris or candidates down the ballot. Making a political donation is also an option unless company policy says that it isn’t. But the Kamala Harris T-shirt feels like too big of a risk, and unnecessary one at that.

Bible Bullies?

I work at a hospital in the Midwest that’s part of a large health care system. Recently, a group of senior nurses on staff used company email to send out a message to all unit staff inviting everyone to join a virtual Bible study group, with the understanding that “we all come from different faiths.” Even though they claim this is an “outside work group” and not affiliated with the hospital, they’ve labeled their group with the hospital name and used company communication portals to promote it.

Our health care employer does not brand itself as a religious organization, it is strictly nonprofit and religion is not invoked in its mission or in its commitments to community. For further context, this group is routinely referred to by other nurses as “the Christian Bullies.” Some colleagues have privately acknowledged to me that this group’s discussion of their Christian religion at main nursing desks (where patients can hear staff conversations) makes them uncomfortable. Am I wrong to express my discomfort to management with this invitation being sent out to all employees? Can this even be allowed?

— Anonymous

Listen, I don’t think you’re wrong. But before expressing your concerns to management you might want to explore the rules and expectations about using company property or communications methods for nonwork initiatives. I’ve worked in large companies where employee interest groups have been convened — for example, groups for female employees or for people of color — but those were explicitly sanctioned and administered by company representatives. That’s not what’s happening here at all, and I’m troubled by the “Christian Bullies’” use of company communication portals to promote their conversations and recruit others.

(I’m less troubled by their use of the hospital name, only because it could be argued that the use of the name is purely, and pretty straightforwardly, descriptive. Theirs is a group, after all, that is populated by people who work for the same employer. But I understand your discomfort, and share it.)

As for whether this can be allowed, I think you have your (initial) answer already: It can be allowed, because it is being allowed. But the question of whether these efforts can continue — including the somewhat questionable use of the company’s name and communication channels and technologies — is more of an open one, which is why I suggest you look into aforementioned rules and expectations. And if you can’t find any documentation of what those might be, you should go straight to management in order to get clarity, in which case you’re both looking to have a question answered while also lodging a complaint.

Is there any precedent for employees sending out companywide emails regarding issues that have nothing to do with the workplace? (I’m thinking of former colleagues of mine who would spam email lists or Slack channels with announcements about, say, the sale of Girl Scout cookies.) Who else has done this sort of thing? I think you might also want to ask yourself how much of your discomfort centers on the method of their communications and how much concerns the content of their communications. I hate to defend a bunch of Christian bullies — and the use of the word “bullies” suggests a more aggressive posture than is appreciated — but they can talk about what they want among themselves. Yes, even at work. As to whether these sort of conversations are alienating or irritating to patients, you don’t say. Have you heard complaints? If so, you might want to pass this along to the folks in management when you approach them.

The strongest argument you can make is that this group’s behavior is making other employees uncomfortable, and that it should not be using company property to communicate religious (or, for that matter, political) messages. Focus your efforts on these issues and you will probably get the clarity — though not necessarily the answer — you’re looking for. Godspeed.