Miss Your Friends? Here Are 4 Strategies for Connecting

My friend’s brother Andy had a longtime ritual that I love: For more than 20 years, he and his buddies met every Tuesday night to play hockey in his Michigan hometown. On the last week of the year, they would bring slow cookers full of meatballs and chili and set them up in the locker room. After they got off the ice, they’d have a feast in the parking lot.

I recently wrote a newsletter on how to make friends. Now, I’ll focus on deepening friendships you already have. I’ve asked experts to share inventive ways to connect with them, so that you can reap the considerable health benefits of close relationships — and slip more fun into your life.

Try a ‘limited series.’

Danielle Bayard Jackson, a friendship coach and the author of “Fighting for Our Friendships,” suggested something she calls a “limited series.” It’s an activity you can do with friends that lasts for a few weeks or months, she explained.

Try watching a new reality series, Jackson said, and meet every Saturday for a walk or a Zoom call to “analyze it like sociologists.”

For instance, Jackson and a friend watched the last season of “Insecure” together. The show aired on Sunday nights, and they’d debrief on Monday mornings for 15 minutes. The consistency of their weekly chat made them closer, she said, “and we shared things about ourselves, like, ‘Oh my gosh, I had a boyfriend like that.’”

Because a “limited series” has a hard start and stop date, there’s no pressure to sign on forever, and it reduces the mental labor of making plans, Jackson said.

Bring back ‘parallel play.’

“Parallel play” is a behavior usually observed in children, where they play independently alongside each other. But you can do this as an adult, too, Jackson said.

And while kids aren’t really interacting with each other in parallel play, said Catherine Bagwell, a professor of psychology at Davidson College who studies friendships, adults will chat, even if they’re doing completely different things. It doesn’t necessarily matter what they’re doing, she said. The key, she said, is that they’re doing it together.

One person can cook, while the other brings their knitting, Jackson said. Or one friend can garden, while the other draws flora and fauna in a sketchbook. Don’t let differing interests, or some looming project that you have to get done, stand in the way of seeing a friend, she said.

‘Bookend’ your hangouts.

A vague invitation to get together on Friday might make some people leery about the time commitment, said Anna Goldfarb, the author of “Modern Friendship.”

So be specific, she said: “Would you like to get together on Friday for dinner at Lorenzo’s Pizza, so I can hear about your new job? We could meet at 6 for an hour or two.” This invitation is not only clearer, Goldfarb said, but it’s more tempting.

Mentioning the time frame you’re thinking of is key, added Jackson. “I have a higher chance of hearing ‘yes’ from friends if I give them a firm window, like an hour,” she said. “I call it ‘bookending your hangouts.’”

A bookend can be even shorter, Dr. Bagwell added. If you see a friend at a kid drop-off, you can invite them to “sit in the parking lot afterward for 15 minutes” to chat.

“Good friends have a shared history,” so brief conversations can provide support, she said. “We don’t need a lengthy interaction to enjoy one another’s company.”

Stage a low-stakes competition.

At the beginning of the month, Jackson suggested, propose a “lightly competitive and fun” challenge to a group of friends.

Maybe it’s a competition for the cleanest garage, or the longest streak on a language app like Duolingo, she said. Once you’ve agreed on a challenge, share your progress, and chip in for a prize, like a bottle of wine, for the winner.

Jackson’s husband, inspired by her work with clients, issued a monthlong step count challenge to a group of friends.

“He loved it because it was an opportunity to check in daily with friends, and maybe do a little smack talk,” Jackson said. “He was used to talking to them infrequently, and he said it felt nice to be in touch with them so often.”

I don’t play hockey, but I do plan to pull out my slow cooker this winter. I’ll get some soup going and extend an invite to some friends in my town with specifics: “Are you up for a walk and Crock? It’ll take maybe an hour and a half. Come on over.”

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The Week in Well

Here are some stories you don’t want to miss:

• Five health trends we debunked this year, from Julia Calderone.

• Yes, you can run a marathon. Amanda Loudin takes you through the steps.

• Should you wear a mask while traveling? Ceylan Yeğinsu and Dani Blum have answers.

• We may be thinking of the youth mental health crisis all wrong, writes Christina Caron.

Let’s keep the conversation going. Follow Well on Instagram, or write to us at [email protected]. And check out last week’s newsletter about how to keep your vacation going after you’re back.