Judge John Hodgman on the Constitutionality of the ‘Pizza Tax’

Douglas writes: My family lives near a wonderful pizza place that doesn’t deliver. I don’t mind driving to get pizza, but I recently decided that the effort entitles me to eat a slice on the way home. My family objects very strongly to my “pizza tax.” (If you print this, call me “Spike.” I’ve always wanted to be called that.)

I’m sure that fresh pizza is delicious, and this is a classic weird dad move. But it’s not a classy one. Dad weirdness is not about hunger but thirst, as your teenagers might say (or most likely have stopped saying). When you give your kids a massacred cheese Pac-Man instead of a nice whole pizza, that ragged wedge mouth is screaming: “Look at me! Even though you’re almost adults and no longer need or adore me in the same way, I can still get your attention by stealing your food! I’m still alive! And I want to be called Spike!” Instead, try ordering an extra slice (and maybe some phase-of-life therapy) to enjoy quietly on your own, and see if maybe that’s even more delicious.